¿Por qué no echamos novio?
After last week’s column dealing with phrases starting with the word ni, I received all kinds of suggestions about including even more ni phrases. Most, however, were constructedalong the lines of those already seen. Yet one truly deserves a special mention:ni picha ni cacha ni deja batear.
Lastweek we saw that the verb cachar comes from the English “to catch.” Here we have two more that fall in the same category: pichar and batear. Both are, of course, baseball terms. Literally, the idiom means that someone doesn’t pitch, catch, nor allow others to bat. But what does it really mean?
Alonggeneral lines, if we say that a person ni picha ni cacha ni deja batear,we mean that he or she is of help to no one, and not only that, he or she tendsto really get in the way. But it gets worse: he or she doesn’t let anybody elseget anything done either. This kind of person is a menace to humanity and othervarieties of life forms, and is thereby deserving of the expression.
Anotherway I’ve heard it used is in relation to Mexican courtship practices. But thiswill take a few lines of pre-requisite explanation for those unfamiliar withthe way things work here.
InMexico, girls go out with boys — and unmarried men and women to a lesser extent— very naturally en bola (in a group), just like in the United States or Great Britain. But unlike what usually happens in Spanish-speaking countries,in the U.S. or G.B. those “meant for each other” tend to just end up “goingsteady” or calling themselves “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Usually they evenget married without the man having ever asked the woman to be his “girlfriend” (novia) in any formal sense. It’s simply understood.
Not soin Mexico. If a boy wants to be considered a novio (boyfriend), hemust seek formal consent from his future novia (girlfriend). He must declararse,“declare himself,” and the act in itself is called a declaración. The ritual is fairly simple:
—Oye, María, ¿quisieras ser mi novia?
—Déjame pensarlo y mañana te digo.
(“So listen, María, would you like to be my girlfriend?” “Let me think about it and I’ll tell you tomorrow.”)
The nextday:
—Oye, María, ¿ya lo pensaste?
—Sí, Juan, está bien. Seré tu novia.
Or:
—No, Juan, no me gusta cómo te vistes.
(“Hey,María, did you think it over?” “Yes, Juan, and I will be your girlfriend.” Or“No, Juan, I don’t like the way you dress.)
If it sounds a little stilted, well... it is. It’s a ritual. And Mexican teenagers can go through 10 or 20 noviosin a year. It’s not a big a deal as in Enlgish-speaking countries, although itis obviously much more formal (and has next to nothing to do with sex). A real paradox, so to speak. So what does this have to do with ni picha ni cacha ni deja batear? This is the story: if some guy is always hanging around a girl as if he were really thinking about asking her to be his novia, but doesn’t actually ever get around to asking her, what he is doing is driving other prospects away. In this sense, ni picha ni cacha ni deja batear; he doesn’t declare himself, nor does he letanybody else do so out of their respect for his excessively timid efforts.
The words novio and novia themselves can lead to problems. They can be translated either as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”, or as bridegroom and bride, respectively. When talking, for example, about the bride’s weddingdress, we refer to her vestido de novia. One shouldn’t confuse thiswith somebody’s girfriend’s dress. And the bride is always referred toas “la novia,” and after they’re married people shout ¡Vivan losnovios! Then they go on their luna de miel (honeymoon, of course), and when they come back, they are no longer novios but esposos.
Otherphrases with novio: “echar novio”. This handy little expression is moreor less analogous to “making out” in English. We would say that Wilebardo y Gildegarda están echando novio en el parque (“Wilebardo and Gildegardaare making out in the park”). The English is perhaps a tad stronger thanthe Spanish in this case because echar novio, in all honesty, can coveranything from holding hands to the more interesting forms of contact sports between two people in public places, short of what one would get thrown in jailfor.
Ifsomeone is noviero or noviera, they are real romeos. If a novia(bride) is left vestida y alborotada, she was abandoned at the altar.And, to finish things up, the whole relationship between novios iscalled the noviazgo. But to avoid any confusion, the word noviazgo isusually used when referring to the period of formal engagement to be married. Simple boyfriends and girlfriends, if they as yet don’t plan to be married (like in 98% of all cases before the age of 18), wouldn’t normally refer totheir noviazgo, but to the simple fact that they’re novios. But, before they get carried away with the idea of sumptuous ceremony and white dresses, maybe they should just echar novio a while and consider if they are really going to be able to pichar, cachar y dejar batear as a functional couple. | 
